Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
