I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
