my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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