using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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