So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
