No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
