You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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