dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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