its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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