Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
