im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
