Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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