I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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