I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
