nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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