Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
