i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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