New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
