Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
