my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
