I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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