i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
