How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
