I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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