upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
