I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
