Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Brb crying the tears of my youth
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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