We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
