Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
