so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
