All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
