Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
