And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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