I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
