i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
