I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
even my farts smell like vagina
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
