i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
