Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
