I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
