So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
