I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
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I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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