Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
