Apparently you make a good broom.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
