Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
