Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
