I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
