and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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