I puked a lego.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
