I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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