I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
