I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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