so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
