Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My breath smells like gin and sadness
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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