Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
